I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
