I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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