My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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