he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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