Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
