I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
