She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
