Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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