Moan for me like Helen Keller
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
