my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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