Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
