i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
