she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
