I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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