thus making me awesome and them whores
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Be still, my beating vagina.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize