I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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