I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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