Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
