highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
