I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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