This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
