new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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