his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
