i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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