I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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