i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
