I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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