i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
