So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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