You made me cry and you don't even care
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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