can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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