Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
