i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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