his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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