I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish I could teleport
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
