Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You have to summon your inner elephant
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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