There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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