I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
