I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
