I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize