My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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