I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
