I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
