We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
