Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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