Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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