Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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