Life is so much better after having sex.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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