I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
