even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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