Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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