I just saw a hot homeless man
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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