wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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