so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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