Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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