Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
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