Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
