I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
