You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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