I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis