Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.