god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.