Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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