You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
